Beyonce Unleashed: The Shadow x Bieber Chronicles
by The Sky Hedgehogian Maestro
Summary: rated t for safety WIL GO UP DUNT LIKE, DONT READ R&R SHADAMY SONAMY SONADOW SILAZE (even if they don't appear AT ALL) First Fic! Be nice! No flamers! i sux at summeries but the story is grate i promise! #don'tclickonthisfreakingstoryyoufrigginfoolz #sonadow4thewin.


**Konnichi wa, tweenster wop chongo.**

**It would be a shame** **if **you had clicked into the story without knowing how to properly understand all the underlying workings and psychotic fantasies of SBDRF: Sonic and Blaze Do Russia Future.

OMG Yes. Name change. So sorry there isn't any Beyonce in here, tweenster. So sad. U Sad, Bro? U SAD, BRO?

"But how do I access this information?" you may ask. It's easy! First, focus your lens of your eyes onto the screen. Next, allow the light to hit the back of your retina, convert itself into neuronal signals, and travel to the visual cortex of your brain. Once that is complete, direct ocular movement to the area of the screen you next want to absorb as information. By following these simple steps, there is no telling how much you can glean from this handsomely written fanfiction!

It could be worse. You could have been forced to _write _this story! How dreadful a thought!

-Opening To The Onion's _'Our Dumb World'_**,** The SHM, and all working with Shadow the Hedgehog, _Yoshizilla-Rhedosaurus_, _shadow759_, and _Hhog_ at Madvata's _Gigantic Ass Factory_

**Prologue Of The Ages**

**Parenthesis PrologueWarehouse©?.comorgnetgov Parenthesis**

**Now either go away or go away. Beat it. You are all forbidden to read past this point. Freak off. Now. There's nothing here but yaoi, yuri, twincest, hipster dreck, a lack of Sonaze, more than enough Sonadow you'll ever need to see, and a Blaze ripoff with a supermassive rack.**

**[The Most Interesting Hedgehog in the World]**

OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo~OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo

Kid Silver sat atop _Middle Finger Mountain_, considering his pointless life and it's forevermore pointless future. A couple of weeks ago, he had felt Age Shock for the first time. His childhood is going to end in no time. He thinks about his past. He has never truly enjoyed childhood! He's always spent it being a child rather than actually being a child. And soon, he's going to have to worry about jobs, life after high school, cars, taxes, and so much more!

"Like I actually care!" he laughs. He continues to read on about the breaking news that a rabid Sonadowailsucklesilvertormeg gmanarutogokuichigobieber fangirl that just burned down Sega HQ because. Yes, because. You read that right, "Because." So deep, so mesmerizing. Because you can't have a hipster trash story without a Because.

He thinks of his sublime childhood when all that was expected of him was to behave, even if he never actually did that either. All there was to worry about was school. Well, now he's four years old, and in the future, nanochips built by picobots directly enhanced intelligence, so he hasn't had to worry about school, but still! Just a few hours a day, then a seemingly endless amount of free time... When he actually was a teenager, it was years before adulthood responsibilities came knocking at his door. Then he learned he had to get a job. He started in two days. It bummed him out so much, he became emo for the entire time leading up to that day. Even the words "childhood", "job", or "future" made his eyes well up with tears whose eyes welled up with tears. Cue the endless hours of 'halloween on christmas', 'in the end, it doesn't even matter,' and 'my future has already killed my past' blasting into his ears.

Of course, the day he was to be employed came and went- truth is, it was a joke. A cruel sadistic joke by his crazy ass parents who were probably raped after they came home from school when they were kids. But he remained emo for the next seventeen weeks or so. His wrists became so bloody, all the nerves in his arm were severed. Eventually, he became so emo, he had to build new wrists to cut.  
Then came the Bieber haircut. Then the Bieber haircut dyed in black. Then came the Bieber haircut dyed in back with a green highlight. He didn't know it, but Silver was gradually becoming so Extremo Emo, he was in danger of going past critical and becoming the most feared hipster creature in all of existence...

_**MAXIMUM OVER-EMO**__._

(Un)Fortunately, his luck 180'd. He was turned into back into a child, and I really should be using dialogue to push Silver's back story...

So today, he now comes back to those emo days. Now he feels excited about life and is a bit sad he's not going to, nor will he need to, start a job anytime soon- a silent pallor eulogy to what probably should not be for the better of mankind.

He walks along the beach, eyeing out several hundred women so impossibly sexy that this authors is official too lazy to describe them. I can do that. I'm the author, and you're reading this. In fact, I even misspelled a word recently, and you shouldn't care. If you do, you fail. Yes, this is lame, but I can do that. don't care, no. And neither do they fans.

And besides, the women are _far_ too sexy for a freak like [ITALICS] you to enjoy.[]

Happy and successful as could be, Kid Silver is lost in the feeling that there is something a bit wrong playing video games and using Internet memes all day. There's something more to life, and he wanted to find it. No amount of walking through this city's streets could change that.

"Like trihydrogen quadoxide. ;D"

As he sits atop Middle Finger Mountain, watching over the lush, tropical woodlands under him, it struck him like a lightning strike. He takes a step off the cliff and looks out to the Bavarian alps, enlightened, and soaks in the sea breeze.

"I'm... I'm..._ I'm the most interesting hedgehog in the world!_" He stands up and points his finger in the air. A lightning bolt literally crashes in the background. His leg quivers at first, but he begins to move forward. He takes only one step. The Saudi Arabian desert quakes at his might.

He raises he arms, a Jesus Christ Pose, is it? He then begins to lift above the ground. Slowly and erratically at first, he stabilizes and floats above the suburbs.

* * *

This isn't cute. It just isn't. I swear to God, I have other fanfics that are more than worthy of your time. Ever heard of 'Sonic: Evil Reborn Zero?' Or what about 'And He's Shaped Like an Egg'? Perhaps a little bit of 'Meteor Flurry!' or 'Freejazz Theta' wouldn't hurt.

You see, all those stories I just mentioned, I actually put _time _and freaking _effort _into and desire for them to be criticized so I can put _time _and freaking _effort _into making them better. But no. You just _have_ to read about how Blaze and Ezalb wind up getting in a near-yuri situation and the raksha and whatnot.

Then you'll review. You'll review saying 'lol tat wuz awsum!' or give me a five page (or five word) critique about how this fanfiction is an utter eyesore. **Save it.** **Save it all**. _**Let **_**this story die. **As I said before, and as I'll continue saying in every and all review replies from now on- _GO. A. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. _Critique the ones that need critiquing, not the troll!fics that speak volumes for themselves. Don't waste your time giving this story a higher review count. You know what that'll do? Make more hipsters flock to the story. Like sheep. Retarded sheep. Ignore at all costs they will not do. Read something more worth your time. Don't even read this if you want to laugh troll!fics only make you laugh by how badly their written. Saw those grammar errors? Of course you didn't. If you did, you'd be reading a whole slew of stories, say, _not named 'SBDR: Sonic and Blaze Do Russia'. __**AGHAST. **_Then fall. Curtains close.

* * *

**You,** tweenster, need to learn how to look out for decent stories. Tweenster trash, you wop chongo you. And not the too cool for the other cool hipsters, or the gamers or even just the tweens. I'm talking about the Twilight x Justin Bieber x Lady Gaga x scene emo x tween pop stars x yaoi fanfic x anime x emo poetry x pop music x shutter shades x booty shakin' dance flo' x too cool for the mainstream x Call of Duty rules x Indie rock rules x Indie games rule x omg so emo = tweenster wop chongo. As Anakin Skywalker once cheesily screamed: I **_HATE_**THEM.

Good day.

* * *

Sonic and Mario sit at a step of a pavilion outside the Sol Palace. Kid Silver walks up to them, smug and content. His hands are behind his back and he also dons a tall, white tophat. He then pulls a door out of his pocket, sets it down, and knocks. Sonic opens it, and is greeted by a baseball bat to the package.

"Hello, mon beau ami," he begins, extending his hand. Sonic stands up, squeeming.

"Oh uh, hi, Sil!" he happily replies. Kid Silver ignores him and presents his hand to Mario. He returns the handshake. Then Kid Silver turns to Sonic. "Sil, you... feelin' OK, bro?"

"თუ თქვენ, რომ სულელური, რომ თქვენ ვერ ხვდება, რა ვარ და განაცხადა, ახლა, უბრალოდ არ იმსახურებს იცოდეს, სულელი." Sonic sends him destroyed looks. "Listen," he announces with Morgan Freeman's voice, "I have uncovered my destiny as _the most interesting hedgehog in the world,_ and I need you two to agree with me."

"Sorry, kid, but everyone knows _I'm _the most interesting hedge-" Sonic begins, until he's interrupted by Kid Silver.

"_That wasn't an arguable question_, _nor _do you question Kid Silver. Now, before you become a total ass on a machine, please read My Incontrovertible Codex." He presents a list of all the things he, _the most interesting hedgehog in the world_, has done and why Mirai Silver isn't interesting... _at all._

OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo~OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo

**KID SILVER.**

**THE MOST INTERESTING HEDGEHOG IN THE WORLD.**

_Kid Silver, so interesting that..._

-When Chuck Norris and he fist-bump, five thousand new universes are born from the collision.

-He has more coolness on one fingertip than all of Sonic's friends combined.

-He has more coolness on one atom than all of your face combined.

-The sun can't stare directly at him.

-Thinking about him gives women orgasms

-The Death Star blew up because he said he was going to support the Rebellion.

-He's won awards from world leaders just for living on the world.

- Sonic 2006. Kid Silver unlocked Free mode.

-Action 52. Kid Silver freakin' beat it.

-He can be seen through solid walls

-He snapped a whip in Russia so hard, surfers in Hawaii were taken out by tsunamis. Fifty thousand tsunamis.

-He defeated the Nazis and ended World War II with a three-second head-lock pile-drive. Historians are so embarrassed for the Nazis that they made up all the rest.

-He can't lose The Game.

-He's Over 10,000.

-That's Impossible

-Kid Silver _makes _it possible.

-He walks faster than Sonic the Hedgehog can run.

-He created the Grand Canyon because Sonic dared him to dig a hole.

-Gravity is _his_ bitch.

-He abducts aliens.

-You See That Big, Bright, Shiny Thing In The Sky That Hurts When You Keep Looking At It? Yeah. Kid Silver made that while making that red planet, which he invented as a children's toy.

-He can burn fire

-He can dry water

-He's Your Daddy.

-He's Your Mommy.

-He can drink solids.

-He can eat liquids.

-He _really_ invented sex.

-The sun rises because he wakes up

-Renamed the _Kingdom of Hyrule _to the _Kingdom of Hyrule Yö?r Mytee Asse_

-Delivered a pimp slap so powerful, it forced the Earth to spin backwards. Only Chuck Norris could change it back. **Only** Chuck Norris, bitch. **Only** Chuck Norris.

-What's That? Did you just Insult Kid Silver? No. No. You Insult the Silver. You Don't Insult the Kid.

-Eats antimatter for breakfast.

-Drinks radiation for lunch.

-Crafted a stone out of nothing. Earth went on to become the only intelligent life bearing planet in the solar system.

-Made Sonic the Hedgehog look cool

-Wrestles T-Rexes for fun.

-Smacked a book upside a man's face so hard, his ancestors foretold it, and his great-great grandkids are still writing about it.

-All Who Scoff at the notion 'Some crappy new Sonic character child recolor is the most interesting hedgehog in the world' wake up the next morning... in Hell.

-Hell: A world without Kid Silver

-Screw cats and dogs. Kid Silver has pet lions and wolves.

-Kicked an asshole's ass so hard, his whole ass flew off

-Chuck Norris Approved

-Chuck Norris Recommended

-Makes Chuck Norris Proud

-Is Chuck Norris's Son

-Is the Son of Chuck Norris

-You Don't Question Why

-Did You Just Question Why? No. No. You Don't Do That.

Mirai Silver... isn't interesting. _At all._

OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo~OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo

"_That's impossible!_" Sonic rants. Does anyone even care about Sonic anymore? He was cool in the '90s. To call Sonic cool in the 2000's or '10s is automatically self proclaim yourself as an internet troll who hates awesome first person shooters. Because Sonic sucks. The fact I'm ruining the proper prose of this fanfiction to even speak of this is absolutely appalling, isn't it? There are only three cool people in entire world: Chuck Norris, Kid Silver, and Lord Kelvin.

"Silver," Sonic says in a new paragraph of inconceivable dialogue, "I swear, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna make a car out of your _face._" Screw sense, comrades. This is _my_ story, and I'm doing whatever the hell I want with it. *Losing grip on reality* No one else will read my stories. No one but me. I write for myself. I created myself. If you disagree, you're a flamer and I'm going to go tell all my prep friends about how mean you cyberbullies are.

"And it'll be the greatest car in the world."

"_So much-a Internet slanguage!_" Mario sighs. Blaze suddenly comes in, fully rested and ready to deal with her new, crazy life.

"Has Ezalb been here?" she demurely asks.

"Piss the **** off," Kid Silver angrily responds.

"Excuse me?! Watch your mouth, mister!" Blaze responds in a tone that is, yes, worse than your mother's.

"Aw, thanks for ruining an otherwise perfect chapter!" Kid Silver groans. "No one likes your neo-Sonic character ass. You're ruining the franchise with your presence! You suck. You and all new characters suck." Blaze stares at him for but a moment.

"I...I... Uh, I kind of." She then sighs. "You copied that from me, didn't you?" Question marks inflate over everyone's heads. Blaze is referring to her secret, Sonic Retro-Purist blog post. Truth is, she hates everything about new Sonic games, except the nostalgic ones, and wishes she never signed that contract stating she was now an official Sonic character back in 2004.

"Don't ask," a Sky Hedgehogian Baritone says, "why a new Sonic the Hedgehog character hates new Sonic the Hedgehog characters. It's like a black guy hating Jews, I know, but that's the way the world works. Deal." He continues moving a random prop into place.

_The most interesting hedgehog in the world_ then speaks up. "The chapter is going to close then next time I say 'Chapter Closed.' Now then, continue speaking." His voice is calm, yet demanding as a king's - screw 'king'- emperor's should be. It's so velvety that it doesn't matter what you're doing. You'd better shut up and listen. You givin' birth? Stop. Your baby can wait. You fightin' a fire? Uh uh. Stop. Kid Silver's voice is hitting your ear drums, and guess what- _you owe it money_. Ain't got no goddamn money? *Smacks lips* You're on yo mutha_**f*ckin**_' own, buddy. Betta say goodbye to yo' ass now while it's still on.

"I-" Kid Silver sees that _Blaze_ is the one speaking.

"_Chapter closed_."

Kid Silver doesn't necessarily make this story a piece of tweenster trash. No, Ezalb will do that just fine.

OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo~OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo

**Lagniappe**

OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo~OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo

**Lagniappe**

OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo~OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo

**Lagniappe**

OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo~OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo

**Ezalb [The Tweenster Queen, So Hipster She's a Commie **_**and **_**She's So Tween, Enjoys Justin Bieber, **_**Oh the suspense!**_**]**

_At the socialist Fierkaht Commune..._

"_What?!_ I've never even heard of Krispy Kremes! Check your friggin' car again! It's in there!" a slightly drunken Ezalb throws. She lies back in the La-Z boy that someone else had recently bought and sticks on her shutter shades with "Baby" blaring in the background. It's "Baby." I-I'm not wasting mah muscles uttering the artist's name.

"Maddie, the box is your hand. It's empty. It's wet with your spit." That is Ezalb's unnecessarily hot lover, the anthropomorphic Cuban German Shepard and unhipster member of the Rose Guard, the Rose Swordman_ Yovi Medeñ?o_, whom Ezalb throws an empty Krispy Kreme box at.

"C'mon, I'm on my break." Yovi tries pulling her by her arm. "Go away! Onegai Shimasuuuuuu?"

"We have new bongs!" He's lying... mostly. And don't ask why I have these stonerf**k OCs in this story. Got a problem? Go read another fanfic. Please. Oh, please GOD read another one. PLEASE. I beg you. Ever heard of the Writers Anonymous forum? Number one forum. Forums - General- No. 1. It's worth your time.

"Beat it."

"Ezalb!" Yovi throws his hands down and sighs.

"_Kiss mah boo-boo, Yovi-kun,_" is what he hears next coming from Ezalb. She giggles at what she probably thinks is one of her funniest comments all day when, let's be real, it really is. He shakes his head in defeat. "And by the way, I just hacked your Facebook."

O.O' "YOU DID _WHAT?!"_

"Yep. Added some hentai too. I haz skillz! ^.^"

Just another day in the life of Ezalb at the communist stoner-goth Fierkaht Commune. And they're communists because I can make them be communists. Watch me. And who doesn't like goths? Margaret Thatcher, that's who.

"Just what 'til you see what I do next chapter! I'm gonna wreck Blaze up!" cheers a cosplaying Ezalb. So true! Anyone who likes violent, bloody yuri, you will be disappointed maybe.

By the way, Ezalb just set the whole place on fire with nothing but that doughnut box.

"OMG, did I do that? Sowwy..." Cue chibi face.

* * *

**Vader Robotnik**

_Within the hellish depths of Hades, after submitting to and escaping from the Temptation of Aphrodite, Eggman and his ridiculously ugly wife give birth to the Son of Eggman-_

_Vader Robotnik._

_To never be continued..._

* * *

**Asshole The Hedgehog**

B

OO

OOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

O

O

OOOOOOO

O

O

O

O

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

* * *

**Machini Ledbetter**

"People is people and persons as persons is people and peoples and people is persons and peoples!"

"Tails, I swear, you're the _worst English teacher *-__**ever**__-*._" That is Sonic. He's criticizing Tails's inability to teach Machini Ledbetter English. Hell no I'm not describing Machini Ledbetter to you!

Who the fudinkies do you think I am? A _good_ fanfiction writer?

Later.

"I hurt I self!" says Machini Ledbetter, holding up his pinky, which dons a paper cut. He then takes out a colorful invitation- perhaps the object that caused such a paper cut, considering the dang odd angle Machini is holding the garish item.

"Uh... g-go on," a disturbed Sonic asks. He exchanges looks with Tails, who had looked confident that his foreign pupil had progressed."Y-you said that you wanted to go to a party, right?"

"Yes. Us is go to-ing an party."

Super immediately and bluntly, Sonic says, "Tails, this isn't working."

"Sonic, I don't see the problem, that's how most American teenagers write and speak English these days."

Later.

"_Car that is of I out fuel of the car! The need of what I help is what I need!_"

"Don't need no help, yo," assures Sonic. "You haven't even turned on the car."

"The on that is not of the car that is of I, no I should have not even't, yes?"

"Wh-wha-w..." Sonic facepalms and walks past Tails with a brutal, homicidal scowl embedded on his face, his new troll face.

Later.

"DO NOTA TOUCHA MY DONGSHEH!" Machini screams as he grabs a wine bottle, running off, smashing into a wall, saying goodbye to loved ones.

"What is he _talking_ about?!" Sonic screams.

"I don't know!" a frantic Tails replies.

Later.

"Rising is the sun's doing."

"And?"

Later.

"Go get she! It is she turn!" Machini maniacally screams. The disgruntled Sonic has already left the room while Tails tries restraining his pupil.

Later.

Later.

"I are be no thee thy blessed dog of chili-"

"Shakespearean?! Tails, you're teaching him _Shakespearean?! He can barely-_"

"This 'Spearean of the Shake' you speak of who? Who is Spearean of the Shake? Monarch is he?! _Saku dyog'u!_"

"Language, man, language!" Sonic screams.

"Hey, kids are (not supposed to be) reading this!" Tails adds.

Later.

"Alrighty, dude. Read these clues to find the treasure," Sonic dully says as he reads from a set of flashcards while chompin' on gum.

"The spot the X-mark X marks?" Machini Ledbetter asks.

Super immediately, Sonic says, "_The heck, Tails?!_"

Later.

"Oygo, tu ano che!" Some amazingly hot human girl screeches at her anthro lover, Machini Ledbetter. She's suddenly slapped across the cheek as she leans over.

"_Up the shut! No talk you be do be!_"

Ultra abruptly, before Machini even finishes, "_TAILS!_"

"I-I'm sorry! He's just a slow learne-"

"_**TAILS.**_" Machini's weak ass, however, is getting owned by the girl.

Later.

"I am feet five, fingers twenty seven, and foot one tall."

Later.

"My flight shall take the plural dream!"

Later.

"I-"

Later.

"The pet of I's, Justin Beaver, built a God-dam so that the I of I may do the ing of sleep."

Finally, Sonic stays in the room to comment. "Tails, you are freaking kidding me..." Then he slams the door against the wall, IT F'ING _**SLAMS, GOD**DAMN**, THAT WAS AS LOUD AS A FREAKIN' GUNSHOT**_, forming a small hole, and storms out.

Later.

"Pay to the adentention!"

"Wh-what?!"

Later.

"I am happy no! I happy am no! To the away go you!"

"Ma-machini, let's... just move on," Tails sighs.

"You be thine I only wherefore thou than I, I be ami mon a la chaine hi-fi-"

"_**TTHHAATT'SS EENNOOUUGGHH!**_" Sonic screams in pure, unbridled rage.

Later.

"101101011-"

"_BPBPPBINARY!_" Sonic spits at Tails. "Binary! You're teaching him _binary!_"

"Y-you know. May-may-ma-maybe he's better in some languages than-"

Later.

Machini Ledbetter faces his greatest challenge yet- a somber phone call to his dying mother. She's dying of cancer. At a time like this, all most mothers would want would be to hear their son's voice. He walks up to the phone, face long, as he prepares to surprise her with his newfound English abilities.

He picks up the phone, dials the numbers, and waits for his mother to reply.

"Mom?" he begins, his tone low and apologetic.

Even Sonic looks on, elbow-on-wall keeping him balanced, with great interest. "Tails, you did good!" He rubs his kitsune friend's head, prompting a kawaii response from the 12 year old.

"_PAY YOU MUST. THE MONEY WANT I. NOW NEED, THE FOOL THAT IS YOU. ELSE THE PUNCHES AND THE KICKS AND THE PAIN I WILL MAKE BE YOU FEEL!"_ Machini screams into the phone. Some screechy, annoying voice shrills back, actually before he even spoke.

"T-Tails!" Sonic exclaims, thrown aback.

"I didn't teach him that!" the innocent Tails replies.

And that is the story of English language butcher, Machini Ledbetter.

"I are be the winner!"

Ok, dude. Seriously. That last one was just a lame-ass Internet meme plug. Not. Funny.

[SPOILER]Just like this frickin' story. You have SO many other stories you could be reading, sir and/or/likely-also madam. [/SPOILER]

* * *

**Pissy Blaze Otaku**

Meanwhile...At the residence of the pissy Blaze otaku... with some good Sonic Rush music rolling hard in the background... [Particularly, Vela Nova. On Loop.]

Earlier, the pissy Blaze otaku sat at his computer, checking out the _Sega of America forum boards _and trolling Sonic Retro. Jenkins screamed at the screen as he got enraged replies and was repeatedly banned, as well as multiple counter-flames proclaiming 'blaze sux u c**k-suking trol'. Every time, he created a new account and went about trolling once more. It is believed that, ever since he spawned from the depths of Internet Hades, Blaze's popularity went from "Tolerated" to "Must Die."

The pissy Blaze otaku is now getting ready to go to Gamestop to buy Sonic Colors. The DS version, of course, because you-know-who's in it. Afterwards, he's going to troll the IGN boards, screech at Gamesradar, do some trolling around GameInformer, hate on G4TV, spread some crap around here n' there by Kotaku, maybe pounce-

"Ma!"

"Git a job, ya dirteh asswipe!"

"Ah gotta go to the sto'!"

"I'ma lockin' tha doors when ya' leave, n' I ain't lettin' ya back in evah again! Ya gonna stahve on tha streets!"

"If Blaze comes to our house, let'er in!"

"Jenkins, I swear ta' _GOD_, if ya come back in tis house, I'm funna' beat yo ass to a job!"

—Later—

"Jenkins, git me some Oreos!" Silence. "Jenkins, Ah said if ya don't git meh Oreos, I'm funna' choke ya!" Jenkin's mother gets her cane and stumbles to her cankled feet. "I'm funna choke ya! I'm funna choke ya, ya betta' roll ya ass aht, nah!"

"Ma! Eatcho' diaper! It's like a friggin' Oreo! Just with s**t!"

I'm sure that, if Blaze knew about this man, she'd be thoroughly crept out. Be that as it may, Blaze, fortunately oblivious to this, sits on her shrine. She's gaining sanity every passing chapter, and hopes to move past her hostile feelings from before by the end of the week.

And besides, she doesn't even like, _remotely_, any of the games she's been in. There would be no surprise if she were one of the counter-flamers on the boards from earlier.

"Kiss mah saggy ass, boi. Kiss it!" the mom screams.

"Ma, I'ma make you eat dose diarrhea beans again!"

Crap, mic's still on.

* * *

And finally, the writer(s) of this fanfiction begin planning, in the shadows, new ways to screw with the SBDRF motley crew in the form of video game reviews, drabbles, and other nonsense.

The saddest fact of all is that you're still reading this, you wopchongo.

**Finally, to end our chapter... a treat for all you Shadow haters!**

The register dings once again.

"I'd like a large pizza, some chocolate fries, a chicken nugget shake, a medium-extra-large McNuggets," the unnecessarily fat ginger, who appears to be a sci-fi follower, orders. Shadow is face palming.

"This isn't a restaurant, you simpleton. We _don't _sell food."

"-Some tacos, a few dozen cheeseburgers, a coupla' hundred glazed sugar packs, eight burritos," the obese idiot goes on.

"We _don't _sell _food_."

"-and some M&M McFlurries. In X-tra large cups. Do you have gallons? 2 gallons of M&M McFlurries. Add some extra Oreos. Mmmmmmummmm, no, no, wait. Make that 3 gallons."

"_We don't sell __**food**__! _We only sell _ass_! This is an _**ass **_factory!" Shadow wonders how even got into this mess as well as why dipwads like this wopchongo got so horny as to help decay American society further by coming to this demonic, unholy place.

"Oh... well, I'd like a few pounds of ass, smothered in some ass sauce..."

Shadow sighs as he punches in some buttons. **"**_**Would you like some ass with that?**_" How is he saying this? Who's paying him enough? Who's even _alive _to pay him enough? Shadow must slit his wrists every night after he leaves work. How the Gigantic Ass Factory is still standing is a phenomenon all its own.

"_**Break your ass bones,**_" Shadow swears at me and you. He's feeling genocidal right about now, and isn't too happy about that recent decision by company execs for '30% less money' and '150% more ass'. They're literally thinking about paying their employees with _**pure, unadulterated ass**_. I'm not making this up. Technically, I am, but still, they are.

When, if, Sega ever makes_ Shadow the Hedgehog: Reloaded_, or _Shadow the Hedgehog 2_, or whatever lame title they'll give it, the Gigantic Ass Factory had better be a playable level, with everyone who works there as killable enemies.

**For the first time ever, Shadow smiles. He smiles as the Marquis de Sade maximum overrapes his mind with images of mass brutal murder. It is a smile so epic, so legendary, that everyone dies.** **Squee.**

* * *

**Saving.**

**Saving..**

**Saving...**

**Saving.**

**Saving..**

**Saving...**

**Saving.**

**Saving..**

**Save Complete.**

**ERROR.**

Save File Corrupted. All Memory Has Been Destroyed.

imput_ "savegame_error"

print "goodbye world!"

forloop_ "sbdrforever"

OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo~OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo

OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo~OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo~OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo

So you've actually read this grisly abomination of the worst mankind can inflict upon himself. Do you know the average attention span of an American is approximately 34 seconds? Unless you are, fortunately, not an American, perhaps you should have obeyed your writhing attention span and clicked out of this unfathomable sex-obsessed, CGI-overrun, hipster fanfiction. I've done **everything** in my power to turn you away with every passing word.

**Everything. Ev-er-ry-thing. Yet you're still here. None of this is funny. It's broken, stupid, asinine drivel pop culture honestly believes is "comedy". **It's sad, actually, that you're actually reading fanfiction. The utter pity married to that is only surpassed by that fact that I am a fanfiction _writer_. And here's a lovely shocker- half of the stuff from this chapter was ripped off of stuff that was probably ripped off! Really, do we not have _lives?!_ There's so much more to life. Think of all the constructive things you _could_ be doing right now. But screw that. Perhaps there's something interesting to watch on MTV? Or perhaps Fuse. Did you check your Facebook? TMZ might be on. I know you obviously don't care for Led Zeppelin hahahaha, so why not try out some good LMFAO or Bruno Mars? Who's the latest superstar, Ed Sheeran? Call your lover. Oh, I'm sorry, _text _your lover. If you're in the mood since it's Saturday, drop a sext. Do it. I dare you. Everything too, just 360 degress. Even go inside it if you have to. Go to the movies. When's the Hunger Games movie coming out? Laugh at romantic comedies, or ultraviolent shooters with pisspoor stories. Frag some in Black Ops II. Wreck some in Angry Birds- wait, no that's so four years ago... Visit your friends. Talk a walk through a nature trail. Watch birds. Read a book. _Enjoy your life._ _Die._

Just. Stop. Reading.

OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo~OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo

SBDRF: Sonic and Blaze Do Russia Future

**_Theme song_**

_"Just"_

_Radiohead_

_The Bends_ 1995, EMI

I do not own the rights to this song. All rights belong to Radiohead and EMI.

_**The Most Interesting Hedgehog In The World_ segment**

"Requiem for a Dream"

_**Sonic Sucks_ _Rhubarbs _segment**

"_Sonic Sucks Rhubarbs_"

_The Sonic Show_, 2012.

**Spiral into Insanity _Segment_**

"_Poker Face_"

_Lady Gaga_

_The Fame Monster, _2008.

_**Ezalb's Room Background_ Music**

_"Baby"_

_"Justin Bieber"_

_My World 2.0, _2010

I do not own the rights to this song. All rights belong to Justin Bieber and Island/RBMG.

***Pissy Blaze Fanatic segment***

_"We Out Chea"_

_"Lil Boosie"_

_Superbad_, 2009

**_Shadow's Aeviternal Misery Is Your Own_ segment**

_"I Gotta Feeling"_

_"Black Eyed Peas"_

_THE E.N.D._, 2009

I do not own the rights to this song. All rights belong to Black Eyed Peas and Interscope records.

**_Ending Credits_**

"_Dunwich"_

_Electric Wizard_

_Witchcult Today _2007, Rise Above Records.

I do not own the rights to this song. All rights belong to Electric Wizard and Rise Above Records.

Sonic the Hedgehog and all related characters, objects, locations, and implied related locations belong to SEGA, Sonic Team, and Dimps. I do not own the rights to any characters, objects, locations, or implied locations seen in SBDR: Sonic and Blaze Do Russia/SBDRF: Sonic and Blaze Do Russia Future, nor do I intend to hold rights to the title.

Mario appears courtesy of Nintendo.

Kid Silver appears courtesy of Chuck Norris, and is, therefore, above this pitiful, pitiful fanfiction, but decides to play along anyway.

All non-Sonic characters that are the copyright of Nintendo, Sony, Microsoft, third-part video game developers, television shows, movies, and music labels belong to their rightful owners. Any likeness to any real person, place, thing, or idea is purely accidental unless used for humourous or satirical reasons.

I Do Hope You Have Some Sort Of sponsers this story.

Please Review. If you don't have anything nice to say, then say it loud and clear and preferably in all caps. :D

**Fun Factoid: Two of the beta readers for this chapter were named Edward and Jacob! LOL! It was *****FATE***_**bitch.**_

_**PS: ^I. AM. FUCKING. SERIOUS.^**_

_**#fun/theend**_

* * *

**~***ALL POWER TO EZALB***~**

¤*̈̈*¤.̧̧ ...̧.¤\

\̧. BONUS KUN ,.,\

.\̧.¤*̈̈*¤ .̧̧.̧.¤*


End file.
